Posts tagged failure

it’s hard to walk away from something you [think you] love…but sometimes you have to. sometimes it’s not a choice. sometimes it’s a must. life can pull you in a direction that may be different from the path you thought you had laid out for yourself—the one you were mindlessly sauntering (or perhaps dragging your feet) through, most likely with your eyes closed, or your head up your ass. you can spend years planning and investing in a future that you are so sure of and then, in milliseconds, it’s gone. the dirt road you were traveling has blown away, and as the dust of your hopes and dreams settles in the air, you are left squinting through a scattered vision of what was…what could have been… *tear*

kiss it goodbye.

sure, you can look at the void set before you and miss what you believe you once had. you can spend your remaining time attempting to rebuild a broken past from a memory…or you can say eff that and create!

one brilliant and wonderful thing about feeling like you have nothing, is that, really, you can actually have anything. why can’t you? there is a certain freedom (or happiness) that comes with having no ties…no expectations…

embrace it.

So, at one time or another we will be saddled with a blank canvas—handed the opportunity to begin again—to whisper tearful farewells to old burdens, obligations, barely-healed wounds—to take the tools we, ourselves, have developed from a lifetime of learning and use them to build the world we were meant to live in…the life we were meant to have.

sometimes starting over is a small edit to the big picture, and sometimes (like recently) it’s an entirely new work of art. we all say goodbye to elementary school sandbox friends as we move on to start anew in middle school, and again in high school and college. we move away from home, we let go of first…and second…and third loves (and fourth and fifth and sixth…). we change jobs (i miss sneakers). we sell our first car, bury a pet, buy a new gaming system (that’s a biggie—Mario, I still love you!). letting go of some can be harder than others, but with every loss, you gain something new.

saying goodbye is never easy, and starting over takes tremendous willpower and strength—but once you get through the pain and anxiety, the fear and regret, what you have left is infinite possibility. You can be whoever you want to be, and your life can take the shape of whatever you choose, but if you don’t take the time to heal and take the time remember why your path has changed, you will lose sight of what could be and, instead, attempt to reconstruct a world that you were not meant for.

cut it out.

it gets better. i promise. what would you do, if you could do anything you wanted?

or maybe i do…

i spent a large part of my day crying into coffee shop napkins and hiding out in my car. it’s so strange how, in spite of all the amazing surrounding us, it’s so easy to put it aside when something bad happens (like when a swarm of mating termites fills your bathtub or you step in a miscellaneous pile of shit)…we can still have bad days.

i began today in my favorite way…doing my favorite things…surrounded by all the things i love. woke up to crazy smiley faces, had a private moment with my blackberry (if you know what that means…lucky you), felt good about my outfit (but changed quickly when i realized how good some other folks felt about it), got into work early and got to work feeling good about my plan to be very productive. the sun was shining, good music filled the air, i had nothing in my way.

i live in LA for Christ’s sake! i have every reason to smile.

but crushing words came my way…short poignant snipes that came quick and came hard. “I don’t trust your judgement.” “i don’t believe you are capable…” i wish i could say that i want to rise to the challenge, but i feel quite the opposite. a feeling of failure and inadequacy swept over me…a feeling i have known only since i came here…and i’m really not sure what to do with it.

perhaps i was foolish to believe that i really had a hold on this. before beginning this new chapter, i felt like i was on top of my game…i believed i was the best…and with all my learning and experience, i believed in what i was doing, and i had evidence and to back me up. numbers don’t lie.

i am always the first to admit that i have a lot to learn, and i welcome the old and the new alike as they offer an equally important and valuable education. never have i been accused of not having an open mind…until today. i can accept that things will not always go my way, that i will often times have to bite the bullet and execute someone else’s vision. i may not like it, i may not agree with it, but i understand my role and i’m ok with it. there is always something to learn…even if it is what not to do…or even if it is simply in the experience of coping with marching orders that go against your beliefs. that is OK. accepting the inevitable is part of life, part of maturing. thinking you can change someone, or considering them close-minded or incapable for disagreeing with your viewpoint shows a lack of maturity and the inability to accept or learn from another’s stance.

although i know in my heart that i am neither incapable nor inadequate, knowing that i have disappointed simply by being who i am, still hurts…maybe because i work so hard to get it right and i so rarely feel like i’m performing to expectations. it does help to know that i am not alone in this. that at least there are others in the same position…others whose talents and abilities i have witnessed with my own eyes..who seem to be equally as disappointing.

in spite of this, and in spite of my desire to bury myself in a pillow and perhaps not get up in the morning, i will. there is so much to be happy about…even if what got me here is the one thing bringing me down.

Is anyone really ok with settling?

Is that something that comes with age? If so, at what age?

I don’t think I will ever be ok with anything less than my best…no matter how old or wise…and I’ve seen those less old and less wise than me, be content with settling. How does that even happen?

So by now, you most likely know that I’ve taken a tremendous leap of faith and hauled my ghetto booty across the country for some California love…and the job I’ve always dreamed of. But guess what?  I’m the new guy again. I’m the freshman. And me and all my know-it-all arrogance and confidence and social media smarts don’t mean a thing until I prove myself…again. How long did it take me to do this the last time? Oh yeah…years…and still, even then…wow. I’m not even going to get into it.

My problem is, and maybe it’s a virgo thing, I expect too much of myself. My expectations are high, and I will beat myself down if I fail…and it’s even worse when I feel that someone else is judging my failures. I was once told that if you don’t fail sometimes, then you are not trying hard enough.

seriously? what the fuck!

My career is part of who I am, it’s part of how I define myself, and anything less than succeeding is settling. It seems trivial to many people. My passion and frustrations can be comical…especially to those who do not share my ridiculous work ethic…but I’m in a unique position here in that there isn’t much more to my life right now besides taking crap out of boxes, moving non-existent furniture around, watching TV on the treadmill, and work. Ugh. no wonder i’m always the first one in the office.

Part of the inspiration behind this move was the hope that the more laid-back west coast lifestyle would help calm my neuroses. Failed there too…but hey, it’s only been a month.

I can agree that failure is part of growth…but accepting failure is not a part of achieving success. We should review our pitfalls, try to best understand our shortcomings, play to our strengths and evaluate how to overcome our struggles. Settling is not an option…and failing is not part of my make up. Recognizing a downward spiral before it spins out of control is a success…a small one, but it’s one step closer to achieving your goal.

How could anyone be satisfied being less than their full potential?

And this extends beyond work ethic…that is just one aspect of my life I am harping on today. We should always try to be all we can in everything we do…otherwise, why bother doing it? Time is too precious to waste on half-assed, half-hearted poorly executed opportunities.

Give it your all…you have more to lose by not giving a shit.

And that’s my rant for today.

<3 Melissa