…And suddenly I believe that every “I love you” I said before must have been a lie…
I’ve been laboring over this feeling for days now, maybe weeks, trying to make sense out of why and how it could be that after my 30 years (13 dating years—-whatever, I was a later bloomer), I could feel like I may have mistaken the “feel-goods” for love. It forced me to retrace the steps, in daylight and in nightmares (literally and unfortunately) of relationships past…the “i love you“‘s of yesterday.
So, because I have recently been haunted by my Seven Evil Exes, I thought maybe manifesting these ghosts might help me be rid of them.
[SIDEBAR: I don’t really have a seven evil exes thing happening here, because they’re not ALL evil, but there are seven of them…which I found kind of amusing. Also, if you’re missing the Scott Pilgrim references here, you HAVE to rent the movie. HAVE to. Not seeing this movie is a clear sign of your lack of awesomeness. yes. I am judging you.]
1-My first love taught me that love can hurt…a lot. Everyone remembers their first, but for me, there are reminders of this relationship that are ingrained in my psyche—pain I will never ever forget, and pain I have been unconsciously reliving since…but I’m working on this. I’ve learned, in my adult life, that forgiveness is therapeutic, and that letting go means gaining your freedom. (This relationship also introduced me to the unscathed theatrical artistry that is the original Star Wars Trilogy, and that said, that falling asleep watching Episode 1 is entirely forgivable).
2-Second—Numba 2 (he he)—taught me that friendship is key to a loving relationship. That it’s important to want/desire your partner, but the BEST relationships happen when you genuinely like the person you’re with—and this might be a “duh” moment for many of you, but it wasn’t for me then. When you WANT to do nerdy things together, when you can share ideas and learn from each other, you form the strongest bonds. This is probably why, even after we discovered we were romantic enemies, he and I are still very good friends. (This would also be the evil genius that taught me how to hack a computer and that baklava is Satan in cookie’s clothing).
3-Third, The Saint, taught me that perfect doesn’t mean perfect for you…and it’s ok to not want perfect. It’s even better than ok to recognize that you don’t want perfect and start searching for Mr.Imperfect. (This relationship also taught me that smart is sexy…because, although he was sexy to all but me, he was not smart, and while i was amused by his Dr.Suess-ish creativity with words, I honestly could not see past the word “angervate…” or “goffabid” for that matter. I know, I’m going to hell with the baklava).
4-Four, laughing is important…but so is trust. (oh, and that drugs and secrets will ruin a relationship).
5-Fifth, happiness doesn’t last forever, and neither do promises…or promise rings.
6-Sixth, love can transcend distance and that age is not a measurement of maturity.
7-and lucky number Seven got me where I am today—to beautiful sunny California, the home of #8. What did I learn? Some love isn’t the ride off into the sunset kind of love, even if it may seem like it is…It might just be the kind that gets you on the damn horse and points it due west, and tells you “sorry Miss, you’re taking this journey alone.” It’s an adventure, it’s a trip, it’s is meant to take you places…sometimes to right where you belong, but isn’t meant to last.
So…this all brings me to today, realizing after weeks of reflection that there is purpose in the journey and that love and our idea of love grows as we grow. The love I felt in the past was real…it was real to me then—real to the me i was then, but it is far different from what love feels like to me now. I realize that my real life Scott Pilgrim has a lot to contend with, and not in the form of super-evil comic book exes, but rather in the form of a slightly scared and worse-for-the-wear me. And for every burp he laughs at, and every Sunday he lets me sleep in, for entertaining my geekiness, and letting me sing to Lady Gaga in his car, for having an open mind, entertaining my quirks, for being right around the corner and never getting sick of my always-smothering-ugly mug, i love him…for real.